Ted Talks: 10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation – Celeste Headlee

Number one: Don't multitask. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about other things. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.

Number two: Don't pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.

Number three: Use open-ended questions (not yes, or no questions). Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind and I would add, stay with what is on their mind and not yours. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. Don’t stop listening to them.

Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. I can really relate to this one (RaceForGrief.com) and agree whole-heartedly. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Don't do that.

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.

Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

One more rule, Number 10, and it's this one: Be brief. [A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]

Boycott-o-rama!

When I was at university I was an early adopter of computers. The first computer I owned was an Apple. This was particularly helpful for me as a student of creative writing. I could make changes to my manuscripts without having to retype things every…single…time!

At the same moment in my life I was also playing Dungeons & Dragons with all my extra nerdy English major friends. One of those friends was involved in a boycott network. He asked if he could use my computer to type up their newsletters. (OH YES!)

The people of this network compiled all of the boycotts that were called, what they were about, and what actions were requested. You could decide for yourself if you felt it was important to participate, and were comfortable with the type of action that was being taken.

They would also document when demands were met by the companies being boycotted. If the response was sufficient, the network would officially call off the boycott. This was considered an important step, because they wanted people to reward companies that listened to their concerns.

Right now boycotts are an important political tool. We are voting with our dollars, because for some corporations that is all they will listen to. It is also important for us all to sense that we do have power when we join forces with one another.

Have fun storming the castle!

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