I have a few friends who have a narcissist parent. We have all in the end gone "no contact". Christmas is a particularly hard time for people who have escaped families with narcissists. Tis the season when a controlling parent becomes angry that one of their off-spring are no longer under their control, and therefore tries to find ways to manipulate them back into their control.

One method is known as "flying monkeys". This is named after the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz who are called upon to do the dirty work of the Wicked Witch of the West.

Whether or not a person has gone no-contact, a narcissist parent will put out feelers to see who they can recruit out of friends, partners, and other family members that they can use as flying-monkeys. The parent will often be sweeter to these people than this person has ever experienced in their life. They may go so far as giving expensive gifts to these people during Christmas, while giving the off-spring little to nothing. A person might hear from people close to them, "Wow, your parent is great! Look what they got me!" This will leave the person biting their tongue, because to say anything about this will make them look like the bad one. In the meantime, they have lost a friend or realise they can't trust their spouse. One friend's parents actually sabotaged her in court, so that her children would go to the spouse. They then got cosy with the spouse as a way to punish her for trying to get free from any relationship.

It's often hard to explain to people who come from loving families that families are not an absolute good. Many of the awful people we have experienced in the world were raised to be that way by awful parents. I have had people say things like: "But she’s your mother, the only one you’ll ever have" or "“She won’t be around forever. You’ll be sorry when she’s dead.” I stayed far longer in contact with my family than I should have for my personal well-being because of these sorts of comments.

I like this from an article by Misty Kiwak Jacobs:

On hearing you are estranged from your mother, stable, nurturing people who are genuinely concerned for your well-being will say things more like this:

“Tell me more about that.”

“How did you come to that decision?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“You are very brave.”

“What happened?”

To clarify, you may have friends and loved ones who both empathize and think maybe you shouldn’t go no contact. They aren’t flying monkeys. Flying monkeys distinguish themselves by their complete disinterest in how you arrived at your decision, and by their defense of your mother’s cruelty.

Escaping Your Mother, Part III: Prepare for Flying Monkeys and Healing

What I find particularly upsetting is when young children (esp. grandchildren) get recruited as flying monkeys. They frequently are incapable of recognising that they are being manipulated, and the narcissist parent is right that it is hard to keep a distance from these young people to protect oneself and to also keep them from becoming a regular nexus for secondhand abuse.

Cherilyn Christen Clough has this to say about flying monkeys:

Despite which side they are on, and no matter how stupid or mean they appear, flying monkeys are always used by the narcissist. Flying monkeys are victims too in a way, but the most toxic flying monkeys don’t care that they were used because they justify the narcissist’s unethical behavior. You might feel sorry for them, but in most cases, they get what they deserve — which is to become the scapegoat whenever the narcissist changes their mind. There’s nothing stable or secure about the job of a flying monkey. It’s a stooge’s position.

What’s a Flying Monkey?

In the case of young children they may not be getting what they deserve, but they are being turned into a piece in a very nasty game. People who grow up in a narcissist family are all turned into pieces in a game. It's what makes them vulnerable later on to forming relationships with abusers. Abusers instinctually recognise this person is a piece that will fit into their toxic puzzle as well. Sadly, because this sort of game was the person's "normal" growing up, they don't always recognise that they are walking into a trap.

Christmas is a very hard time for people with abusive families. Even if they have left such a family, they usually end up alone during Christmas holidays having to manage bad memories. If you know someone like that, please do something like sending them a card or offering to share a cup of tea some time in December or January. It will be much appreciated!