Disenchanted

I think we all know what spiraling means. A negative thought infects every thought that follows driving you further into depression. When I think of my job, my career, I am completely frustrated and it feels beyond spiraling.

I would imagine that somewhere on this page or many places on my website you could find my resolute decision that I must be doing good for others in my work. The guilt and shame I feel is already enough. I don't need a job where Jeff Bezos pays me to whip warehouse workers. I don't want to sell products with built-in obsolescence.

I was feeling very low when I received an offer a couple of years ago and I was incredibly hesitant. I lifted myself up because it was an opportunity to do some good. The opportunity was working to protect, promote and lift up teachers and public education. A few years in and I am burning out. I am furious about mismanagement, spending and the self-protective wall around those that can make change.

The people in power, even in this nonprofit organization must remain in power. That is the first commandment. As such it colours all the work. Less funds go to help teachers because their leaders need executive suite hotel rooms in Banff. The status quo remains politically between teachers and their school boards, making waves could result in rewards or failure. It is best to play it safe.

I imagined doing non-profit work would be hard due to little resources and often all hands on deck are needed for events and the like. There is absolutely no difference between any job I have ever had and the current one. In fact, since I am part of a union at this job I would say human resources is worse here.

I should somewhat clarify the “absolutely no difference” above. When I started at this current job, I was a contract worker in a different position. In that role the pay bracket was better, I had an office on the top floor and I was confused why people were so attentive to me. Yes, this workplace still lives in the literal world where your floor is connected to your stature. I moved down a floor and took a different position when my contract ended. Things are different in steerage of the ship.

Back to the manipulation and abuse from human resources. The things I have seen from this organization's human resources area have destroyed me. I am overrun with empathy for my fellow workers.

See, my problem is my mental health strategy. I can bottle everything up and say I am fine, but this led to my breakdown. I learned in my therapy journey that acceptance and acknowledgement of my emotions is key to combat the anxiety and depression. In that mode, I am wide open, vulnerable and empathetic.

This brings me to the disenchantment. Where can I go where my empathy and humanity will not be manipulated. Where can I go?

Everywhere seems consumed by capitalism. It's not called humane resources. I don't know, human resources seems like an awful way to refer to actual people in the same way that minimum wage is a terrible name for pay. As David Cross said in a comedy routine, “We wanted to pay you less but the law won't let us.”

I am just crushed. The world is so dark right now. Working for teachers was supposed to be inspiring. Instead, human resources laughs menacingly when anyone below the top floor thinks they're being treated unfair or bullied by a supervisor. Same old shit, different address.